It's Kind of a Long Story... about MY SISTER EXES (Part I)

It started with an alarming email.

I know I tried the patience of a lot of people with how much I talked/processed the several break-ups with my exBF over the 5+ years we were in each other’s lives.

I really, really needed their open ears and hearts, and to talk it out to get it out. I can never thank enough those who stuck with me without judgment.

And… I’m still processing. There is more I need to get up, out, and down. Keeping his secrets is not good for me. Not telling my story is not good for me.

And if he reads it? I can live with that. I can more than live with that. I’ve been inspired by Jonah Hill’s exGF Sarah Brady who risked a lot more than I am to talk publicly about his behavior and wrote very movingly and articulately about why she did. She knew she was going to be asked about their relationship for the rest of her life, and she didn’t want to spend years glossing over or demurring from her truth to protect someone who harmed and hurt her.

There are parallels between my ex and Jonah Hill in how he behaved toward me after he was well into a new relationship. A relationship I knew nothing about. Sarah told her story around the same time as the one you are about to read.

This is not an easy story to tell, not only because of the subject matter but because it’s many-layered with a lot of overlaps and backstories. I’ve been struggling with where to start. There are so many ways in. I’ve joked it’s like a Lifetime movie or podcast. But life doesn’t play out as neatly as a movie, and I have a new-found respect for podcasters. It’s really hard to make real life read like a novel.

I hope the narrative I’ve settled on is satisfying and makes sense. If you have any questions, I’m happy to answer them.

I’m so glad you’re here,

-Lara

“I am so glad you’re OK.”

Short story: 

I randomly ran into my exBF’s exGF (at the Goth Fest in Vallejo of all places) and learned he lied to me throughout our five-year relationship. Big lies, little lies. Dumb lies, scary lies. I also learned that she was the one who tried to warn me about him six years earlier. A warning I ignored.

Long story:

“Susan! That’s Susan! I’m too much of a Drama Goblin not to talk to her. I’ll be right back” - me, to my friend April, when I saw my exBF’s exGF walking inside the cafe. (I had recently coined the term Drama Goblin and was using it at every opportunity. For better or worse, I had a lot of them.)

I don’t have much experience in relationships. I was with my late husband John from age 18 to 46, took a proper year of mourning, and met my exBF Cris almost as soon as I decided to start dating in January 2017. He was only the 2nd date I went on.

We clicked right away. He was smart, funny, witty, confident, charming, dressed well, into similar movies & music, a big reader, and just my physical type:

• taller than me but not too tall

• short, thick, dark or salt-&-pepper hair with a little swoop in front

• cute round face

• glasses

• broad shoulders

• dad bod

We laughed a lot. Never ran out of things to talk about. He was attentive without being overwhelming or creepy. We took things slowly but were clearly into each other.

Max’s dashing boyfriend, my exBF Cris, and my late husband John. We definitely have a physical type.

We had been dating for about two months when I got a text from a friend:

Friend

Good afternoon, mama. I've been contacted about something. It's a precarious situation. Here it is: I heard from someone that this person you are seeing has an alarming history. If you want more information is it OK for them to contact you? All contact will be deeply anonymous. I have no idea what the history is but it must be big enough for a very intelligent friend of mine to reach out to me and ask if their 3rd party friend can contact you. This is awkward but I believe in woman protecting each other, if that's even the case here...

Me

Oh wow. Yes please. Knowledge is power. And if there's something I should know, I want to know it. Thank you for reaching out and having my back.

Friend

Oh, I'm so glad you responded this way.

Passing on now. Let me know if I can help with anything.

Me

Thanks sister. He's told me some stuff about his checkered past. Here's hoping that's all it is.

Friend

Fingers crossed. I'm here...

Me

I've been thinking about this, and if I don't hear from your friend (friend's friend?) by the end of the day. I'm going to ask him about this. I won't use your name of course, but I can't sit on pins and needles or lose sleep. And we have plans to go to a play tomorrow night and a few other things and I'm not good at poker face.

Friend

Oh, I get it. Do whatever you've gotta do. Just let me know me where you're going...

Me

Will do. Thanks hon.

This was the email I received:

Hi Lara,

I am writing to you because I fundamentally believe that people should look out for one another, particularly women. You may already know what I’m going to tell you, and if so, then I am glad you’ve been the recipient of honesty. I don’t have personal firsthand knowledge of these things but have been approached as a neutral third party to contact you, which I agreed to on a philosophical basis.

It is about a man I believe you are seeing. Here are some things others would like you to know:

-       He has multiple arrests, both misdemeanor and felony, across multiple states.

-       The most troubling of these is for stalking an ex girlfriend (assault, trespassing, harassment).

-       He has a history of being violent towards his ex wife, who fled and has for the most part scrubbed her identity from the internet out of fear of him

-       He is currently sleeping with other women

-       He took advantage of an ex in the bay area, moving into her house and telling people he owned half of it.

-       He is an opportunist particularly in terms of housing himself and has a history of installing himself in the homes of his partners but does not own any property himself

-       There is reason to believe he may be hoping to be able to move into your house so he doesn’t have to secure his own housing.

-       Pattern of behavior of being charming and loving at first and then showing a nasty temper as time goes by.

-   Alcoholic, as shown by the 5 DUI's across several states. It's been suggested that he may be moderating his drinking in front of you right now, but eventually it will expose itself. 

I (speaking for others) encourage you to fact check and do your own research (if you don't already know all this to begin with), be that through Google or any of the info databases online, including court/criminal records. Whatever you do, please cover your tracks and the suggestion is not to directly confront but maybe to quietly back out/away. 

I understand that you have been through a recent loss and have a child and so in many ways you are vulnerable. Thus I think it’s only the right thing to do to give you this info and let you do with it what you will. If all of this information is true, and I believe it is, then you really do deserve better than this.

Best wishes, 

VK 

What. The. Hell. I remember it was the middle of the afternoon when I got this. I’m sitting at my desk thinking, “How did I end up in this melodrama? I’m a normal person!”

Was I one of those women who was taken in by a con artist on dating apps? Was I really so wrong about this guy? I was so happy. Having so much fun. I thought I was so lucky. I deserved this. I wanted this!

I texted my friend that night:

Me

I heard from the person. This is all very strange having strangers know my business. Not a lot of people know we're dating. A lot of the stuff I knew and am OK with. Some I didn't. I told him what he's being accused of. He's pinning on a vindictive ex. But what else would he say? This is the last thing I need. We've really been having a lot of fun together. Gawd... I don’t know what to think. I really, really appreciate you coming to me.

Friend

It's funny...my friend, who I've known since I was 22, randomly asked me how well I knew you. I told her that we have been community mamas together for 14 years or so. It was interesting I never asked her how she knew that the two of you were seeing one another. Her very good friend had dated him. My friend thought that there were some shady things about him when her friend starting dating him but I guess whenever this 'information' came to surface my friend wasn't surprised. Apparently, it really freaked out the woman who was dating him. I think you have all the information, you know what to watch for, if it's not something that makes you physically unsafe, you're a grown-ass woman and you'll watch for red flags. It's all out there now.

Me

Yeah, he's been super open about his past. I can dig where it would freak some folks out, but I respect growth and change. My Spidey sense hasn't been tripped off on any of our dates (all in public places so far) but I was married forever and mine may need calibrating.

Friend

Oh, yes, I too became...dull while married. I truly believe now that you have the red flags, your Spidey senses are going to be recalibrated. Just promise me you'll be safe

Me

I promise. I can take care of myself. And I'm not lonely or desperate or anything. My life is very full and I feel confident I can walk away. And I will not bring any unessesary drama into Max's life. The kid has been through enough and is at such a vulnerable place.

Friend

Oh, funny, I never thought about the desperate and vulnerable option.

I just know how pheromones can shade our vision...and I want you to be around for awhile.

Me

Not denying Stella would like to get her groove back

He had indeed told me a lot about his past. Or, at least at the time, I thought he had. He’d lived a very different life than I had. He’d lived in a lot of places. Had a lot of relationships. He and his wife had lived in Alaska working on the tourist trains for 6 months and in Thailand for six months for most of their 11-year relationship (11 years together, 8 years married. Put a pin in that.)

I made the mistake of forwarding the email to him and asking, “What the hell is this all about?” I now know that when an ex of someone you are dating reaches out to you, you should listen to them. This is not a normal thing.

He had an answer for everything:

-       He has multiple arrests, both misdemeanor and felony, across multiple states.

I knew he had an arrest record. He promoted semi-legal raves and sold exctacy in Seattle in the 90s. On one of our dates, I’d giggled and said, “Tell me about jail!” He said he wasn’t allowed to enter Canada because he was caught with pot the last time he traveled there.

He said, “I’ve told you I’d been arrested. I figured the rest would come out in a series of amusing anecdotes.”

-       The most troubling of these is stalking an ex-girlfriend (assault, trespassing, harassment).

We’ve all met creepy people who give us the creeps. Make us feel ill at ease or unsafe. I never got that vibe from him and hadn’t seen him angry or upset, at me or anything else.

He said this was a lie. He’d never hit a woman and hadn’t done those things.

-       He has a history of being violent towards his ex-wife, who fled, and has for the most part scrubbed her identity from the internet out of fear of him.

He never spoke anything but kindly and respectfully about his ex-wife. He said she was now married with two kids and they were in touch. He’d spoken to her about 6 months ago.

-       He is currently sleeping with other women

Well, he wasn’t sleeping with me at the time yet. We took it slow. I remember thinking it was curiously slow. He said emphatically, “I am not sleeping with other women.”

-       He took advantage of an ex in the Bay Area, moving into her house and telling people he owned half of it.

I knew he moved from Alaska, where he said he had been consulting at a restaurant, to Vallejo to live with Susan. He said he paid for a lot of the household expenses and never told anyone he owned the house.

-       He is an opportunist, particularly in terms of housing himself, and has a history of installing himself in the homes of his partners but does not own any property himself

He said when he was younger, that women would buy him things and pay for things that he accepted, but he never set out to take advantage of anyone. He was very good-looking as a young man, and it seemed plausible.

-       There is reason to believe he may be hoping to be able to move into your house so he doesn’t have to secure his own housing.

This is made the least sense of all of the accusations. We’d only known each other a short time, hadn’t even spent the night together, and were far, far, FAR from talking about living together. My son Max was still living at home. And how would anyone know that’s what he was hoping?

I told him, “If you’re looking to take advantage of a rich widow, you are barking up the wrong tree. I don’t own this house. I don’t have money.”

He scoffed at the idea. “Me? Some kind of lothario? What a joke. And why would I need to live with you? I have a place.”

-       Pattern of behavior of being charming and loving at first and then showing a nasty temper as time goes by.

This was something to look out for, but I hadn’t seen a temper. He said he had had a temper in the past, sometimes still did with his employees at work - he’s a chef, that’s not uncommon in a restaurant kitchen - and had mellowed and moved on from that kind of behavior.

-   Alcoholic, as shown by the 5 DUIs across several states. It's been suggested that he may be moderating his drinking in front of you right now, but eventually, it will expose itself. 

He acknowledged he had gotten a DUI, but that it was five (or maybe seven, I can’t remember) years in the past. I hadn’t seen him drunk. Yet.

Here is where I acknowledge that on our first date, it did register with me that he drank quite a bit. A beer at the bar before I got there. We had wine with dinner, and he had a Drambouie after dinner. At the time it seemed… sophisticated. He was a man of the world. He knew what he liked and how to order with charm and confidence. It was attractive.

I’m not much of a drinker, so it wasn’t hard to drink more than me on a night out. None of the staff at the restaurant were acting like it was unusual. The other alcoholics in my life hadn’t drunk like this.

He acknowledged his DUIs. He didn’t deny he was an alcoholic.

After talking with him, I decided that these were things to look out for, but not enough to break things off right then and there.

What I realize now, is that I gave him a roadmap for what not to do and say. And in his defense, other than the drinking, none of the other behaviors presented during our relationship. I never felt physically unsafe. Not at all. Not one time. And while he did get upset and angry, not at me and not in a way that was threatening or scary, and not in a way that seemed out of the ordinary. While he expressed that he wanted to live together and eventually get married, it was usually presented as more of a life goal than as wanting to build a life with me. He never pressured me to move in together. He paid for most of our dates and we split big expenses when we traveled.

I didn’t see him obnoxiously drunk for many months.

He was very upset about what he came to call “The Alarming History” email. He would refer to it consistently throughout our relationship. It got under his skin.

At the time he said, “Who would want to destroy a potential relationship? What if they sent something like this to my boss?” He said he was going to talk to his lawyer. I assumed at the time it was his divorce lawyer. What other kind of lawyer could he have? I later learned, from him, that it was an attorney in Santa Barbara who got him out of any real consequences for his behavior.

He assumed it was Susan who was behind it.

He said, “I am not afraid of a lie.” That went a long way with me. I now know that yes, it’s not lies he’s afraid of. It’s the truth.

***

As I think is true in many relationships, the immediate past ex of each partner sort of looms large. It was true of Susan in ours. He talked about his many exes a lot. So much so that at one point I had him write a timeline of where he lived and with whom because it was hard to keep track. He talked affectionately about them, except for Susan. She was lazy. She made him sleep on the couch because he snored. She gained a lot of weight during their two-year relationship. She was selfish. They threw a Super Bowl party and she shirked on what she said she would do and he did all the work. He moved out of her house because of all of this, and she snooped in his bag in the trunk of his car and that was the last straw. He talked a lot about his privacy.

He also told me a few weeks prior to me getting the email, he and Susan had met up for dinner because he had left some things at her house, including his current and previous passports. I thought that was strange. He was a world traveler (although not as much of the world as he claimed) His Match.com moniker was LiveToTravel.

He said as he drove away he saw her in her car crying, “Because she thought I was the love of her life.”

It was easier than it should have been for me to chalk up the email to a vengeful ex and push it to the back burner.

***

Now, in May 2023, six years later, I see Susan. In person. I’d seen a lot of pictures of her on Facebook, on Cris’s page, and hers. I’ll be honest, despite what Cris said, she seemed like a cool woman. Pretty. Smart. Feminist and fierce. That under different circumstances we would be friends.

I opened the door to the cafe, and like a scene in the Lifetime movie I was about to be living, she was coming right toward me.

“Susan?,” I said, “Are you Susan?”

She looked at me quizzically.

“I’m Lara Starr. I dated Cris after you did.”

She looked at me with another look. Scared? Surprised? Curious?

“We’re not together anymore. We haven’t been for a long time.”

Her face softened, she reached out to touch my arm and said,

“I am so glad you’re OK.”

To be continued…

Lara sez…

Listen!

80s deep cut of the week: Survival Sampler! I played the HELL out of this promotional cassette-in-a-can as a teen, and am indebted to my friend Karen Finley - who was similarly obsessed - for collecting the tunes on a YouTube playlist.

Read!

The engrossing and heartbreaking Master Butcher’s Singing Club includes a line that has stuck with me and that I quote often, “Everyone does everything to ease the pain.”

Follow!

I’ve been a weekly visitor to Messy Nessy Chic for many years. It’s an eclectic collection of oddities: weird history, culture, art, media, fashion, travel, unsung heroes and heroines, fascinating stories and objects, and the signature “Thirteen Things I Found on the Internet” that never fails to delight. Do NOT to go to Paris without reading her tips!

Watch!

I can’t recall how or when Crispin Glover’s Clowny Clown Clown video got on my radar, but I wish it had happened when John Starr was alive. He would have absolutely loved this bizzaro weirdness, and several lines would have made it into the Starr Family Phrasebook.

Subscribe!

Brooke Bader of Facebook’s Let’s Not Date has a Substack series called Horny History in which she bombards dating app and DM randos with little-known feminist facts.

Before I let you go…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, if you like what you’re been reading - or have questions/comments/concerns - please leave a comment or reply to this email. It really, really, REALLY means a lot to me and I so appreciate everyone who has.