It's Kind of a Long Story... about DRAMA (Part II)

Sometimes I seek it.

Hey Drama Goblins,

When I started this Substack, I had a lot more time on my hands. I had been laid off halfway through a mental health leave and was still on “leave time” in my mind. I had a few small freelance projects but had of what I call “chronological space” in my life.

I could take my time and do things slowly and inefficiently.

I’d write my first draft on Sunday night, revise and refine on Monday night, and then polish, add recommendations, and record on Tuesday.

In the last few months, life has gotten busier, and in a few weeks I’m starting a project that will fill my days with work.

That’s good news, because it will also be filling my bank account with money, but the time I have to write will be impacted.

Also, while I really enjoy writing this Substack, I don’t need it the way I did when I started it. When writing was healing and necessary for my health.

That’s also good news, because that and a few other things have indicated to me that my mental health has improved greatly.

I’m not sure what that means going forward. It may mean I move to every other week. It may mean stories are shorter.

I have to remind myself that while I want to connect with you here, ultimately, I’m doing this for me, and what I need it to be for me may be evolving.

However things shake out, I’m so glad you’re here,

Lara

Short Story

I tried to offer insight on what women are looking for to a single man hoping to date. It didn’t go well.

Long Story

A few weeks ago, I posted this in a Faecbook group I’m in for single parents of young adult kids:

The link is to a Substack post by Dr. Jennie Young, an English professor and creator of the Burned Haystack Dating Method (BHDM). The name comes from the old joke, “How do you find a needle in a haystack? You burn the haystack.”

The idea isn’t that women will have more success on apps by changing ourselves or our profiles. We will have fewer and better quality dates if we use close-reading techniques to weed out the non-starters. BHDM isn't about finding a good man, it’s about decoding rhetoric to eliminate the bad ones. It works very well for its intended purpose.

On her social media, BDHM founder Dr. Jennie Young brilliantly breaks down the semantics of men’s dating profiles to reveal their true intent and perspective. It’s fascinating. She logically explains what many of us know instinctively. I’m taking her upcoming course Rhetoric in Real Life and can’t wait. I think it will be helpful in all aspects of communication.

The single parents in the group are overwhelmingly women, but there is a guy or two, and one who pops up from time to time who I’ve always thought of as a decent fellow.

He commented on my post:

So, from the other side, I agree these apps suck, and is an awful way to try and meet people. I've had the app for awhile, but just in the last month or so I have been trying to engage with others. The app (Zoosk) matches me with others that I have flagged with a "like." It shows me those that supposedly like me back.

When I send a simple message, such as I like the shirt you're wearing, or you have a nice smile, rarely do I get ANY response back. After about 30 matches, only one person actually engaged back with me for a few days. Then poof, she stopped responding ( I think she wasn't happy I am Jewish, though I told her I'm spiritual rather than religious).

Anyway, my point is, for those of really trying, the dating apps are no better for men. And on my profile, I have stated that I'd like to be friends first, and see how that evolves. It's rather non-aggressive and non-threatening.

Just my 2 cents from across the aisle.

Thanks for posting, Lara.

According to BDHM, and almost everyone else, it’s not women’s job to teach men how to conduct themselves. We should let them sink or swim. Don’t engage. It’s not worth our time or energy.

But you know, letting go is not my M.O. He and I have had a few exchanges and he always seemed like a decent guy. I thought he might be reachable and teachable.

I replied:

Hey J, thanks for your perspective.

A couple of thoughts.

- You have a beautiful smile is a terrible opener. I wouldn't respond to that either. I assume if we match you find me attractive. My smile is the least interesting thing about me, and not the basis for a connection

My profile and photos have lots of interesting things to ask about or comment on. I only respond to men who do.

If a woman doesn't have anything more interesting to offer than a smile or a shirt, you shouldn't match with her either

- If people drift off, it might be because you're not being engaging

- I'm not a fan of "friends first" either. I have plenty of friends to do friend things with. I'm looking for spark, romance and chemistry.

- Dating is not a numbers game. It's about quality, not quantity.

- The problem for women isn't that men don't respond or drift off, it's the absolute derth of fun, funny, interesting, smart, well dressed, mature, respectful men.

The lack of effort would be funny if it wasn't such an indictment of how insidious the Patriarchy is.

- I believe you are a decent man who is really trying. I recommend you follow the Burned Haystack Dating Method to learn what quality women are really looking for.

That didn’t go over well

Lara, you have provided some interesting perspective here. What I gather is that you're not so interested in what a person is really like, but rather you're looking for that person to provide you with some spark that makes you want to reply.

In other words, my chances are greater to get responses if I'm not truthful about what I'm really seeking, but rather I pull out some fancy one liners that grabs your attention. Therefore we start the interaction not being honest with each other.

Most of the profiles I see are rather skimpy in nature. One or two pictures, age and location. A few may mention their background, or they like playing tennis and going for walks. Not a whole lot to go on, so I keep my initial engagement short, and related to what I see, which may be what they're wearing or their smile.

The point is, I am making an initial engagement to see if there's mutual interest. If there is no response, in my mind I have my answer. I'm not into games, or trying to figure out in an opening line, what the other person is looking for, to not make them drift off. If they like my profile, and I start a conversation, a simple response should get the ball rolling. Then we can find out if there is enough of a spark to continue and move forward.

I don't think you can judge quality or character based on an initial interaction. You like me, then respond. People who are honest and really looking for someone long term really don't stand much of a chance on these silly apps if all you're looking for is some clever, witty line to grab your attention, which may or may not be truthful or in character, and you're not willing to engage to see what a person is really like.

I'm not into dating methods, or dating games. You like me for me, or I'm out. Maybe that's my problem, but so be it. I'd rather not date than pretend to be someone I'm not.

Yeah. That’s what he got out of my comment. The “Why don’t you like nice guys like me, you bitch?” vibes were strong in this one.

I replied:

Not at all! Wit is my love language. I'm looking for a man who is *genuinely* witty and engaging.

I do NOT want anyone to lie or be anything other than who they are.

What I want them to be is fun, funny, clever, engaging, interesting and to make an effort.

For example, I won't swipe on a profile that reads, "I like music."

I WILL swipe on a profile that reads, "I never miss a Chris Isaak show."

I won't swipe on, "I love food"

I WILL swipe on, "I had an amazing pasta last week I can't stop thinking about."

I won't respond to "You have a beautiful smile"

I WILL respond to, "I really enjoyed reading your profile. I'm a KQED listener too. Did you hear the interview with Griffin Dunne on Fresh Air the other day?"

Why on earth are you responding to profiles with nothing to go on? Why are you rewarding that lack of effort?

If you are swiping solely on looks and age? That sounds very shallow and unserious to me.

I absolutely believe you can judge quality and character from initial interaction. It's your opportunity to put your best foot forward.

How on earth do I know if I "like" you enough to respond when your initial outreach is low-effort and not engaging?

My time is precious. Give me a reason to believe you are worth spending it on you.

That's what Burned Haystack is all about. Burning down the hay to reveal the very few needles.

Will I get a lot of interaction and dates? No! Is that OK, it's more than OK. Quantity is not the goal.

I have a very full and fun life. I don't need dates for fun. I'd much, much rather have fun with my friends (or watch Netflix) than spend time with someone I'm not really interested in.

I will spend a lot of time and effort on someone I find intriguing and can make me laugh. Who is intrigued by me and I can make laugh.

I'm not into *games* either. Oh please.

It's bumming me out and frustrating me that you can't see my perspective for the gift it is. Keep doing what you're doing. I hope it eventually works for you.

That didn’t land for him either. He replied:

I don't believe you can successfully determine whether someone is clever, or interesting based on an app, especially an initial greeting.

I would absolutely respond to an initial greeting from someone that said I had a nice smile if I was impressed by their profile AND I found them attractive. Then the next 3 or 4 interactions would allow me to determine whether this person may be clever and interesting to me.

I would never disregard an initial greeting out of hand if it was simple but friendly. The fact that someone is reaching out means a lot to me in and of itself, and it also means there may be an opportunity for further and more engaging interaction. Why would I immediately shut that down if the woman only complements my smile or my shirt? As an initial greeting, I would actually find that flattering. I don't find that as a lack of effort at all, and I guess on that, we disagree.

Of course, I had to have the last word

Men may appreciate a comment on their appearance because it doesn't happen often.

Women get comments on their appearance (for better or worse) from strangers all the time and have from a very young age and are expected to accept them as compliments.

I don't have the time, energy or interest in explaining why it's boring and tiresome, but trust me, it is.

You have said yourself what you're doing isn't working, and yet are not open to understanding why or what you could do differently.

Your choice. I wish you well.

And lest you think it's just me, it's not. Any woman with high standards and healthy self-esteem will feel the same way

I shared this screenshot of Jennie explaining why

Can you feel my frustration? Even a relatively decent guy can’t open his eyes, ears, heart, and brain to take in a perspective from a real, live woman that might actually get him a date.

Lest you think I’m becoming a cynical, bitter ol’ man-hater, there’s no chance of that.

I know there are good men out there. My life is full of them. In my family, my friend’s partners. Heck, I raised one.

And, there’s also something missing from a huge percentage of the single men my age. They’ve been told by our culture to expect more than they give. Making more than a minimal effort makes them feel too vulnerable. They’ve been rewarded for just showing up way too often.

I’m not giving up on love. I love love. I’m thrilled when my friends find love. I’m very confident in what I can bring to a relationship. Even my lying, cheating exBF would say I’m an excellent girlfriend.

I know my worth and value. I don’t come cheap. As another friend said, “Don’t play hard to get. Be hard to get.”

It’s hard to get me. As it should be.

Lara Sez…

Listen!

80s Deep Cut of the Week! This song brings out my inner disaffected 15-year-old British lad who is always close to the surface.

Follow!

@PortraitGeeek stops interesting-looking people on the street and takes remarkable photos of them. It’s beautiful to see them appreciate their beauty when they see themselves through his lens.

Read!

Song of Solomon is vast, strange, and beautiful. It drew me in and held me tight.

I saw an interview with Toni Morrison where the interviewer said her books were not always easy to understand or accessible. And she said, “And the problem with that is?”

Buy!

OK, this is a splurge, but I recently bought an inflatable hot tub and it’s fantastic! I got mine from Facebook Marketplace at a deep, deep, discount, but you can get one for less than $500.

I’ve been sleeping so much better since I’ve been taking a soak in the evening before bed. My RLS and insomnia have gone from 10 to around a 3, and sometimes even a 1.

Do!

My friend Adrienne introduced me to the art and craft of folding books and I’m so into it! If you’re in Marin, follow her and come to one of her folding parties at the Pint Size Lounge in San Rafael.

If you’re not, you can find lots of tutorials online.

I like it because it’s free, easy, can be completed in about an hour, and done while I watch TV.

This is the scene in my living room right now. I call it Gallerie Bardage. The boards are old siding from the house that I found in the attic. (Bardage means siding in French)

Before I let you go…

I was very upset and skeptical of the push to push Joe out of the race.

I had my doubts about Kamala as the candidate.

I’m starting to think that I was wrong and I’m super happy about it.

I’d love to know what you’re doing to stop The D and get Kamala into the White House. Donating? Volunteering? Writing postcards? Talking to the swing voters and non-voters in your life?