It's Kind of a Long Story... about LETTING GO

Can't hold it back anymore

Hey Drama Goblins,

A cool and wonderful thing happened this week. After reading my post about Jeans, a reader sent me… a pair of jeans!

Like me, her weight has fluctuated widely in the last few years, and a pair that were once victory pants, now no longer fit her. They fit me well (well, maybe a little snug) and filled my heart.

Not only was it a thoughtful, generous gift (they’re a fancy $$$ Italian brand) but affirms that what I’m doin’ here on the ‘stack is meaningful. That means the world.

Whether you’re an avid or occasional reader, a liker or a commenter, a paid or free subscriber, I’m so glad you’re here,

Lara

“Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know.” - Elsa, in Frozen

Short Story:

I struggled with whether or not to let my feelings be known to a date who did the fade away. Eventually I did. No regrets.

Long Story:

“Why didn’t you just let it go?” - A friend to me when I told her the Tinder story. I had gone on a date with a guy who not only showed up with missing teeth, but talked at me for three hours, not asking me a single question. I sent him a text calling him out on his behavior.

There was more than a little judgement in her tone. I felt reprimanded and misunderstood.

And also, incredulous. This is a smart, independent, driven, and in many other ways bad ass woman. Why wouldn’t she tell him what she was thinking? I wasn't abusive or profane. I was absolutely civil. Was I arch and sarcastic? Sure. I had no ongoing relationship to protect.

I did have an ongoing relationship with my friend to protect. I didn’t tell her how I felt about she said to me. I weighed the pros and cons, and came out on the side of silence. I let it go unremarked upon, but didn’t I let it go, I kept it in.

It’s still in there. It’s been low-key eating at me for months.

Ironic, no? I can’t summon the courage to speak up to a good friend when she questioned my need to speak up.

I was in a similar sitch last week. A friend of mine set me up on a date with someone she’d known for a long time and had recently become single.

We had a good time. No immediate sparks on either side, but we had fun and the conversation was easy. He passed the Netflix test, I would have seen him again. He told our mutual friend he had a great time.

And then? Sporadic texting that eventually devolved into a fade-away. My last text to him went unanswered for 5 days.

I was mad. Not because I was super into him, or because he wasn’t into me, but because I deserve better. Everybody does.

I’m too old to be left on read.

And yet… I hesitated to let him know it was rude, frustrating and annoying to be ignored. Mostly because of our mutual friend. I didn’t want to make things awkward for her.

I drafted a potential text:

You said you hadn’t dated in several decades, and seem like a decent guy, so I’ll offer you some advice.

These are the ways I’ve responded after good or meh dates when I haven’t wanted to continue the connection:

“I had a nice time, but I don’t think I’m the gal for you. I wish you well finding the one who is.”

or

“I had a nice time, but I realized I’m not in a place where I should be dating. I wish you all the best.”

After an objectively bad date, no follow up necessary.

A ‘fade away’ on text? I’d never do that. I find it rude, cowardly and frustrating.

I wish you well.

Something was still keeping me from hitting “send,” so I did the thing I do and asked a bunch of friends for their opinion. Almost to a person, they told me to “let it go” and not say anything.

The reasons were many:

• Not worth my time

• Not my responsibility to coach him

• It was just one date, no one owed anybody anything

• He’ll just get mad and won’t take in what you say

• You won’t feel any better

• It won’t make any difference - to you or to him

• It’s the higher ground, and a growth opportunity, to just walk away

It bummed me out. Not only because like most of us, when I asked for opinions I was mostly low-key asking for validation, but because these smart, savvy, strong women chose staying silent over speaking up.

I believe they did so because they thought it was best for me, but I couldn’t help but wonder if they had also internalized the many messages women get about not making waves. About keeping the peace. About being responsible for men’s feelings. About letting things go.

I remember Hilary Clinton saying she was really mad and unnerved by The D (we don’t say his name) lurking and pacing behind her during the Presidential debate in 2016, but didn’t feel empowered to turn around and say, “Back off, you creep!”

Hilary freakin’ Clinton. One of the baddest lady asses in history. Who is afraid of nothing, was afraid of speaking up and out because she knew how it would look. How she’d be perceived. She let it go in the moment, but it was still in her. It always will be.

I’m not suggesting every transgression should be escalated to a federal case, but somewhere on the spectrum between doing nothing and going full Beyonce-with-a-bat there has to be a way to advocate for yourself and mete out a punishment that fits the crime.

Or was it me? Was I making too big a deal out of this? Was my need to be heard and understood and not ignored going beyond normal and creeping into crazy?

A friend asked, “Why waste the energy?”

I responded, “Because women are so conditioned to let things slide. Men will never rise to the occasion if we don’t let them know when they have fallen short. Whatever he does with it is up to him. He can’t say he didn’t know.”

My therapist (yes, I’m still seeing Dr. Plaid!) was very helpful in helping me parse out these feelings, and validate that my approach is what works for me. She helped me be less bummed about my friend’s responses. What works for them is different, but no less valid than what works for me. Their assess are no less bad. They are not tools of the patriarchy.

And she helped me frame that expressing myself is how I let go. I always feel better when I do. While she was talking I saw the image of a woman in a flowing dress on a grassy hill tossing a letter then a bird then a paper airplane into the air. She was literally letting what was inside of her go. She didn’t care and may never now where it went or how it landed. What mattered was that it was gone.

So what did I do?

While I was hemming and hawing, I eventually heard from the fellow. He responded to my text from a conversation we had been having about music from five days earlier. At first I thought he was going to just keep going as if nothing was weird about not replying for so long, but he quickly apologized with a laundry list of excuses, er I mean things that had been occupying his time.

I politely and briefly continued the music convo, and then said:

“Thank you. I can’t deny it’s… annoying? frustrating? rude? to be left on read for 5 days. It takes 30 seconds to reply to a text, even if it’s to say you’ll be MIA for a bit, or that you don’t want to continue the connection. Either one is legit.”

To his credit, he copped to his poor behavior right away. No anger. No arguments. I understand from my single girfriends that this is rare. It’s more common for men to get butt hurt, huffy, defensive or aggressive.

He is a good guy. My friend isn’t friends with him for nothing, but he’s not a good dater. At least not now.

At some point I hope his is. He’ll make someone happy.

Lara Sez…

Listen!

80’s Deep Cut of the Week! Whenever my fellow GenXers clutch their pearls at song lyrics or video games or other citations of sex, I think, “We were listening to Sex Dwarf and Teenage Enema Nurses in Bondage in Junior High and we turned out fine!”

Read!

With Mother’s Day coming up, it’s the perfect time to read… Frankenstein! Seriously. I read an annotated Frankenstein several years ago and it made me understand that the book is about motherhood. It’s about creating something and then being conflicted about what you create. The monster was craving the elusive love of his creator. It’s beautiful, thoughtful and heartbreaking.

Watch!

Survival of the Thickest isn’t high art, but it’s a solid rom-com with a winning performance by Michelle Buteau. I found it delightful.

Eat!

I made this Zucchini and Summer Squash (or “courgette” if you’re fancy) Tart for a party recently and it was a hit! What my mom and I call an Easy Ooh-Ah! It looks complicated, but is not difficult to make. Maybe a little time consuming (and you do need a mandolin) but the wow factor is worth the effort.

A couple of tips!

• Instead of the traditional crust recipe called for in the recipe, I used David Liebovitz’s from his French Tomato Tart. It’s much less finicky because of the egg, and you don’t have to chill it. I make it in the food processor and it comes together in a jiff!

• I didn’t feel like dealing with fresh thyme, so I used Herbs d’Provence

• The squash was a little bland. I’d add more garlic, herbs, and salt to the olive oil-lemon juice mixture.

• Slice the tart gently with a serrated knife and the layers stay intact and beautiful!

Before I let you go…

I’ve been volunteering for The Postpartum Support Center for several years. They provide our low-income neighbors with diapers, wipes, formula, clothes and gear, as well as parenting classes and support groups.

As the Executive Director says, “Everyone wants to hold the baby. We hold the mother.”

May is mental health awareness month, and PPSC does so much to help new moms with postpartum depression, and the stress and anxiety of early parenting.

I’ve started a fundraiser for the 2024 Walk for Moms, and would be grateful for any contribution.