It's Kind of a Long Story... about LLOYD COLE (Part II)

I'm just lookin' for a brand new friend

Hey Drama Goblins,

Usually I jealously guard my writing time, but events this week (Passover, a Substack meet up and a volunteer meeting) ate into the time I usually spend writing, and what I usually stretch out over three evenings I’m cramming into one.

At the Substack meetup, we talked about formats, features, changing things up and the why of why we’re doing this.

I’m the kind of person who sets up lots of little rules for myself, and I’ve set rules for this Substack:

• I will write every week

• I will be vulnerable

• I will be funny

• I will include images with captions

• I will make 3-5 recommendations (modified from “at least 5”)

• The posts will be at least 10 reading minutes long

Is keeping to them a good practice in discipline and accountability, or an arbitrary way to feel accomplished and tick a box. Am I setting myself up for needless anxiety if I break them?

Learning to recognize, interrogate and question my many self-imposed rules is an ongoing practice. I used to wear the same thing every workday: Monday = Black pants, Tuesday = Dress, Wednesday = Pants that are not black, Thursday = Skirt day, Friday = Denim. Now that I’m working from home, I’m bringing Pandemic Chic back (sweats and schmates) and you know what? The earth is still spinning.

At my Seder, one of my guests asked for a glass of wine before we sat down. My first thought was, “No! You can’t! We haven't blessed it yet!” but I let him open the bottle and you know what? The ground did not open up and swallow me whole.

I’ll have more to say about the Seder later, but for now…

I’m so glad you’re here,

Lara

Am I asking oh for so much?

Short Story:

I thought our Lloyd Cole connection meant me and Bumble Dave were meant to be. I was very, very wrong.

Long Story:

Six months after I was delighted by the hand-written Lloyd Cole lyrics, I went through the most difficult and bizarre period of my life.

I’ve described the events of September-October 2022 as so weird and relentless, David Lynch would have said, “Naw, too strange. No one would believe it.” When I caught up with a friend and filled her in, she said, “If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were making it up.”

You can’t make this stuff up. I didn’t go two days without a major plot twist. I hit a deer with my car. I was a slave to a loaner electric car I couldn’t charge where I was living. I stormed out of a restaurant before the food came. I got a parking ticket for being no more than an inch in a red zone. I attended the funeral of a friend’s son and ran into my former therapist Kristen. I had to be out of my house sit by the end of the month and had offers of housing offered and rescinded. I had major drama with family and two different friend groups and the pressures at work were dialing up and it was a lot.

So of course, I decided my life wasn’t complicated enough so I got back on the dating apps.

Dating apps are an iffy proposition in the best of times, and this wasn’t the best of times.

I can’t recall what made me swipe right on Bumble Dave, but we matched right away and almost immediately launched into a steady texting.

He was super funny, totally conversant in pop culture, very literate and clever. We talked about The Larry Sanders Show and Squeeze and The Banana Splits and the Huckleberry Hound poster in the episode of The Brady Bunch when they go to the amusement park.

He was big into Mad Men and had decorated his big house in the East Bay in mid-century style. It was even featured in Elle Decor! (Google confirmed)

He was flippin’ my switches.

At one point he said, “I’m friends with one of your top artists on your Spotify” (which is included in my Bumble profile)

I said, “I know it’s not David Bowie or Miles Davis, so it must be Lloyd Cole”

“Yep,” he said, “He and I were stuck in Amsterdam together during the pandemic. He played an acoustic show in my living room last Spring.”

On the one hand, we hadn’t even met yet. On the other, superstitious me absolutely saw this as a sign we were meant to be! Months earlier, Cris had said if I married Lloyd Cole, he’d come to the wedding. So maybe I wasn’t going to marry Lloyd Cole, but I could absolutely marry Bumble Dave - in the yard of his big house - and Lloyd could perform at the wedding and hell yes I’d invite Cris to that.

There were a few things that gave me pause. He texted a lot, both often and long texts that lead me to believe he was typing at a regular keyboard and that he had a lot of time on his hands. He was vague about his work. He used to own a literary magazine (Google confirmed) and did “some teaching” but it was all a bit fuzzy.

The day after I hit the deer with the car, I told him about the accident and that I was pretty shaken up when I got home. I wanted a snack, a comforting piece of toast, but I couldn't find the butter. Who loses butter? I put peanut butter on my toast and went to bed. The next day, the butter was right there on the counter! And it was Challenge brand, with a 10-point stag on the label! I joked that the Challenge Deer was messing with me and avenging his brother’s death.

A funny story, right? Not to Bumble Dave. He was really, really upset about the deer. Like, oddly so, and in the course of the conversation, revealed he doesn’t eat butter. He’s not vegan or allergic to dairy, he just doesn’t like the taste, smell or texture of butter.

Who doesn’t like butter?

He also wasn’t very flirty or acting like he was especially into me, but the texting was consistent and engaging. I wasn’t sure what signals he was sending, but I was advised not to let texting go on to long before meeting. You can fall in love with who they are in text, and feel nuthin’ IRL.

It was me who suggested a date. I suggested a movie at the Roxy that I thought we’d both want to see, and dinner a great Mediterranean place.

He demurred and said, “Let’s not call it a date. Let’s just hang out.”

Huh? Hang out? Like what, go to Target? Watch TV and fold laundry? What was he talking about.

“What are you talking about?”

He said recent dates he’s been on have felt like job interviews. That one woman said she wanted him to commit to three dates before they decided if they wanted to continue to see each other.

I told him he didn’t have to worry about anything like that with me, and that the only thing that made me anxious about dates was how to end them. I said I’d be happy agreeing to cut things off at 2:00 and then connect after we each got home. No awkward “I’ve got to get to a thing” or worrying how to make a graceful exit.

We decided to meet up in Downtown San Rafael and “hang out.” Things got weird quick.

We were meant to meet at a plaza that’s close to lots of shops and restaurants. He called me from his parking place at a street above the plaza, and I directed him to where I was sitting. I saw him at the top of the stairs and said, “I see you! I’m waving!”

He said, “I see you, but I’m not going to wave. I don’t wave.”

Who doesn’t wave? Bumble Dave doesn’t wave. I can’t recall what else he said, but whatever it was, combined with his tone, lead me to believe that he was very uncomfortable calling any attention to himself. I mean, I wasn’t asking him to do The Hustle in a rainbow tutu, just wave.

We started walking down the street and there were some Jehovah’s Witnesses on the street. I tried to make a joke and say sotto voce, “Just keep walking. Don’t look them in the eye.” and I don’t remember what he said, but I remember thinking, “Oy, this guy isn’t pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down. This is going to be a looong two hours.”

We walked a block or so and the conversation was awkward and stilted. I wasn’t having fun. I suggested lunch at the first restaurant we came to.

The chit chat got more comfortable when we sat down. The typical first date stuff about where we grew up, blah blah. When the server brought the specials menu, I said, “I was at dinner with coworkers once and we talked about how we decide what to order. One always orders a special. Another orders whatever she’d never make at home. Another looks around at other people’s plates to see what looks good. I have about 10-12 ‘deal-breaking’ ingredients I don’t like to eat that usually helps me narrow it down.” And then I launched into a light-hearted rant about “secret cilantro” in dishes. I’ll order around it when I see it, or ask if it can be left out, but when they don’t list it and it’s in the dish, I have to send it back.”

He looked absolutely horrified. He said, “I would never send anything back.”

I said, “I mean, I’m nice about it, but I don’t want to eat something I don’t like.”

He said, “I’d just eat it. I wouldn’t to make the server upset.”

Like with the waving, Bumble Dave clearly had a thing about calling attention to himself.

I would soon learn, it was the least of his things

To be continued….

Lara Sez…

Listen!

80’s Deep Cut of the Week! The title and sub-title of this post (“I’m just lookin’ for a brand new friend” and “Am I asking oh for so much?”) both come from the Lloyd Cole song, Brand New Friend

And for folks who have already had enough of Lloyd Cole already, I give you Aztec Camera’s Good Morning Britain, with a cameo from The Clash's Mick Jones.

Read!

I went through a major Ken Follet phase in my teens, and Pillars of the Earth was my favorite.

Watch!

I binged Baby Reindeer all in one night. Brilliant, unexpected, raw and so vulnerable. I loved it.

Follow!

Jennie Young is a rhetoric professor who came up with the Burned Haystack Dating Method, which I absolutely endorse, although it bums me out that women have to be told to swipe left on low-effort men.

On her Instagram, @word_case_scenario, she used her academic training to break down men’s dating profiles. It’s fascinating!

Eat!

Whether you’re observing Passover, are gluten-free, or just want a rich dessert that’s super easy to make, you can’t go wrong with this Flourless Chocolate Espresso Cake.

12 ounces semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped

4 ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped

1 pound (4 sticks) unsalted butter, diced

1 cup freshly brewed espresso or 1 tablespoon instant espresso powder dissolved in 1 cup water

1 cup (packed) golden brown sugar

8 large eggs, beaten to blend

Preheat oven to 350 °F.

Line bottom of 9-inch-diameter cake pan with 2-inch-high sides with parchment. Place all chocolate in large bowl. Bring butter, espresso and sugar to boil in medium saucepan, stirring to dissolve sugar. Add to chocolate; whisk until smooth. Cool slightly. Whisk in eggs.

Pour batter into prepared pan. Place cake pan in roasting pan. Pour enough hot water into roasting pan to come halfway up sides of cake pan. Bake until center of cake is set and tester inserted into center comes out with a few moist crumbs attached, about 1 hour. Remove pan from water. Chill cake overnight.

Cut around pan sides to loosen cake. Using oven mitts as aid, hold pan bottom over low heat for 15 seconds, warming slightly to release cake. Place platter over pan. Hold pan and platter together tightly and invert. Lift off cake pan; peel off parchment.

Notes:

• You can also use a 9” or 10” springform pan and not have to do all of the flipping. If you do, wrap the bottom in foil before you put it into the water bath.

• I forgot the recipe called for unsweetened chocolate and made it with a 72% cocoa Trader Joe’s Pound Plus bar and it came out great!

• The last time I made it I added the grated zest of an orange and a few teaspoons of cinnamon - delish!

• Serve it with vanilla ice cream, raspberry sauce, and/or whipped cream.

Before I let you go…

Win a notebook with the Drama Goblin Urban Dictionary entry:

“Someone who gleefully and unashamedly welcomes and shares (relatively) harmless gossip.”

I ordered ‘em by accident - my good can be your gain!

Two ways to win!

1. Comment below or reply to the email with a thought, suggestion, or words of encouragement.

2. Share this post with someone you think would dig it. Either hit the green button or forward the email and “cc” me: lara@larastarr.com