It's Kind of a Long Story... about AULD ACQUAINTANCES

Should they be forgot?

Hey Drama Goblins!

I wasn’t planning to post this week, but Substack sent me a reminder that I set a goal of publishing weekly, and I don’t wanna ruin my streak. I need all of the wins I can get, and I like getting that weekly badge congratulating me for doing better than 78% (and counting) of Substackers.

And, as happens at the end of the year, I’m feelin’ some kinda way. Reflective. Apprehensive. Cautiously hopeful.

I have been asked why I allow Cris to live “rent-free” in my brain. My answer is we don’t have as much control over who takes up residence in our noggins as we think we do. Auld acquaintances are not easily forgot.

And he’s not the only one. I have a whole host of people in there. Mostly yelling at me. Mostly judging me. Mostly haunting me.

I’m working on quieting their voices.

This has been my New Year’s Resolution for the last few years. My success in 2023 has been mixed. Here’s to more in ‘24:

This year I resolve to:

Look back next year and be proud of myself.

Rise to the challenge of a completely new phase of my life.

Make choices that reflect both who I am and who I want to be.

Find the balance between being gentle with myself and holding myself accountable.

Accept that not everything is going to work out. It’s not all going to be OK.

I’m so glad you’re here,

-Lara

BF (Not) F

Short story: 

I met Melissa and we clicked and formed a fast friendship that was the closest of my adult life. We went through a lot together, including her cancer and my tree and the Cris shizz and I thought I had a friend for life. She coldly dropped me like a hot potato for reasons I will never fully understand.

Long story:

I’ve struggled with whether and how to tell this story. Melissa is a private person and I believe would be less than thrilled to know I was writing about her. My intention isn’t to hurt her, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take to get this up and out of me.

I’m prioritizing my needs over her feelings and I hope I won’t regret it.

Striking a pose at the Sonoma Trashion Fashion

The long story isn’t going to be terribly long, both because I don’t have a lot of time this week, and to tell it well and with the detail and nuance it deserves would take a long time and multiple parts ala Sister Exes, and I’m not inclined to dive that deep.

Suffice it to say, my friendship with Melissa was the closest I have ever had. It didn’t feel “intense” or complicated. We didn’t fight or bicker. We had fun together, were there for each other, and were each other’s primary support through some touch shizz (her cancer and the tree falling on my house)

We had a super fun time at Outside Lands and didn’t see a single band!

We were all-day every-day texters. Silly stuff. Memes and videos. She was the first person I thought to tell something. She’d be the one I’d call in a pinch. I was her emergency contact.

We were the same age and single and didn’t have kids to take care of and liked to do fun stuff. Some of the fun stuff we did:

• An insane dueling pianos performance

• Day trip to Burlingame where were were charmed into buying espresso balsamic

• Afternoon in Calistoga to see the geyser (totally worth it)

• Seeing The Sugarhill Gang at a small surf-themed bar in Pacifica (amazing!)

• Spontanious trip to a lavender maze

• Pointer Sisters tribute bad (super fun!)

When the new soft serve and fish cone place opened up we were so there!

Things started to feel weird ater I met Susan. Then got really weird when I was about to move into my house. She declined to come with me to check on the workers moving all of my stuff back into the house. I didn’t hear a peep out of her during the weekend I moved back in.

When I reached out to her on the Monday after the move in expressing that I was confused and missed her and wanted to meet in person to sort it out, she dismissed me with a couple of cold texts and a couple of memes. “I don’t see a way forward” and “We’re at two different places in our lives.” She wished me well.

Cake and slide friendship rings

I’m not going to explain all of the references in the email I sent her, but you can probably figure it out from context clues, and if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer them.

Melissa,

It’s hard to express the shock and heartbreak I felt when I read your text expressing that who I thought was my “ride or die” friend had chosen to let the friendship die rather than ride any further.

I was particularly puzzled that my anger was the cause. Not only because I felt my expressions of anger were within the normal range, particularly for someone under the kind of stress I was.

And, because you have been plenty angry at plenty of people plenty of times. Of course you have! Everyone gets angry. It’s a human emotion we all feel and express from time to time. As long as we’re not vulgar, rude, threatening, abusive or profane, it’s healthy and necessary. A valve that has to be released. #GoodVibesOnly is BS.

I mean really, you practically got into a fist fight with that chick at the English Beat. That made me a little uncomfortable. I absorbed it and rode it out.

You were so upset with Sylvia when she assumed you hung up on her and wouldn’t have a productive, respectful, adult conversation about your relationship. Of course you were! That you didn’t extend me the same courtesy and care is… not something I understand. 

Months ago when I said I wasn’t angry about something Cris had done, you said, “You will be.” 

While I didn’t specifically ask you to support my emails to Lawton and the lawyer, or sending the photos of me and Susan to Cris, I acknowledge I assumed you would. That seemed a pretty safe assumption given that you were a dear, close friend and we have been on a lot of wild, emotional rides together, the words and actions may have been ill-advised, but were not uncivil, and you never expressed that they made you uncomfortable.

If you had said, “Lara, I have been with you on the Cris journey for a long time and very supportive and open to listening and advising. This latest turn of events is too triggering or upsetting for me, and I need to ask that you not discuss it with me” I would have absolutely understood.

If you had said, “The tone of your emails to Lawton are uncomfortable for me, I need to ask you not to forward them to me.” I would have absolutely understood.

If I didn’t create a space within our friendship, or project that I would be receptive to hearing that kind of feedback, that’s on me.

If you chose to set invisible boundaries that I had no idea I was crossing and didn’t have the respect for me or value our friendship enough to tell me, that’s on you.

If you thought, “These emails and the photos to Cris are showing me a side to Lara that I cannot accept. She is not “my people” like I thought she was, and I need to no longer have her in my life in any way. Our friendship is not valuable enough to talk to her about it or express my feelings.” That is of course your prerogative. 

If you had said, “Starting this job is really intense, and I don’t have the bandwidth right now to be the kind of friend you need. It’s really bad timing that I wish was better. Can we pause on texting until the end of the month? Or, maybe you can be OK with a brief response or a meme for a few weeks.” I would have understood and respected that too.

That you chose to end our friendship via text, rather than in person or on a phone call is a choice I’m having a hard time understanding as well. It reminds me of the Sex and the City Post-It Break-Up episode. I deserved more and better. Our friendship deserved more and better.

That your decision to “break up” with me was based on your need to stay in a mindset of gratitude and yet didn’t include any indication it was a hard decision, that you would miss me and our friendship, or that you were grateful for the support - and a lot of fun! - that we offered each other is… also something I’m having a hard time understanding.

You are the judge, jury and executioner of your life. You can review the evidence of my transgressions and mete out any sentence you see fit. Looking back at what I understand to have done: snapping once on a very difficult day when I felt I wasn’t being understood, the language and tone of emails that weren’t directed to you, and playing what was essentially a prank on a lying, cheating narcissist, it doesn’t appear to me that the punishment fits the crime. I didn’t yell, name-call, slam doors, steal, lie, cheat, betray a confidence or bash out anyone’s windows with a baseball bat.

I thought I had built up a significant savings of goodwill in the Bank of Melissa, enough to make a few withdrawals. I’m having a hard time understanding how what I have done was significant enough to close the account, but it's your bank. 

It’s particularly hard when you expressed over and over, “I am here for you.” “You are not alone” “I will help you.” I counted on that. 

Of course I have discussed this situation with a few friends. I have heard, “It’s not you it’s her.” and “You didn’t do anything wrong.” They’re trying to be supportive, it's not entirely helpful I believe there are things I did or said that have had an impact that I’m not understanding. I take that seriously and don’t dismiss it as “her problem.”

I’ve also heard “There may be things going on in her life you don’t know about.” Absolutely possible, but I’m not comfortable shrugging off my responsibility or contributions to an amorphous “thing” that may or may not be happening with you. If there is, and I no longer have the honor of knowing those kinds of details of your life, that’s of course your prerogative and I regret that my actions have caused that change in the dynamics of our relationship.

There are parallels to how I felt when Cris rejected my friendship: unvalued, unappreciated, not worthy of effort.

And also parallels to how I felt when I learned his true nature. The doubting of myself and the whole relationship.

“What was that?”

"Who is that?"

“How did I not see this coming?”

That this came the same week I was back in the house is particularly difficult. I had hoped that this week would be calm, normal, happy. That the tsuris of the last two years would start to fade away and I could look forward to feeling like a normal person and doing normal things. Being a normal friend. 

I’m doing that, and also deeply grieving the loss of a very significant relationship.

I also had a big fear that once I moved back, the love, support and connections I’ve developed and that had sustained me would fade as well. That people would think, “Oh Lara’s back in the house, she’s fine. She doesn't need any support."

That has now come to pass.

I’m trying very, very hard to stay in a place of understanding and empathy. Of respecting your choices were necessary for your own well being. You have the right - the obligation - to put your own needs first. 

I’m also very hurt, sad, and confused. I have never had a close friendship end like this. Many have faded, changed or waxed and waned to various life circumstances, but never out of animosity. This is different. You were a daily, significant presence that is now gone.

And sure, there’s ego involved on my part. Am I really that toxic? That unaproachable? Moi? That’s not how I think of myself. If those are truths that I’ve been blind to, I can accept the gift in this experience is to understand, explore and improve so I can be a better friend to others going forward. 

I truly hope that your choices are serving you and you have the peace of mind and comfort you need to stay in a gratitude mindset. The world needs as many healed, whole and happy people as possible, and I want you to be among them.

With love,

Lara

She never replied.

A few days later I saw on Linked In that she was raising money for breast cancer. I dontated, both because it felt like the right thing to do, and as a way of saying, “Hello! I’m here!” All I got was the auto-reply from the charity’s website.

Christmas Eve at a swanky rooftop bar in Napa

A few months later, I got a Facebook friend request. I knew she had been off Facebook for a long time. I assumed she had just gotten back on and this was a way of reaching out. I was wrong. She had been back on for a while and the Friend request was a mistake.

Something similar happened on LinkedIn. A contact I thought and hoped would be an opportunity to reconnect that wasn’t.

At the Grease sing-a-long (dunno why were’ wearing crowns)

My compassion was severely tested by those interactions, and I acknowledge I have gone from a place of hurt and curiosity to anger. I still want her to be healed and whole, but mostly so she won’t hurt other people the way she hurt me.

It’s not a place where I want to live, and I really don’t want to live there with her as a rent-free roomie.

But, she’s there and on some level always will be. I am the sum of everyone I have met and everything that has happened. I hope with time and telling, the impact will be less.

Thank you or being a friend....

Know someone who would get something out of that story? Please share.

Lara sez…

Recs will resume with the regular Wednesday posts. Wishing you a Happy New Year!