This one touched my heart, especially after our conversation. I am left wondering as well. I am also five thousand percent sure that middle aged mean girls exist in a perennial cafeteria of life deciding who can and can’t sit at their table. What can they get from having you around? Don’t dare ask for them to give back. I’m happy sitting in the corner drawing funny pictures of them. In some ways, friend break ups are harder than romantic break ups.
Yes, you are so right. We really never do fully leave the cafeteria. I love the image of you drawing funny pictures of them! The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. <3
Lara...your post so reminded me of my confusion over a similar situation. Yours helped with something you said. You wrote: "But, she’s there and on some level always will be. I am the sum of everyone I have met and everything that has happened. I hope with time and telling, the impact will be less." I have long felt like I'm neurotic for still wondering and thinking about her. You made me feel less alone and more normal. These significant relationships are important...and when someone just dumps you without an explanation it's just plain weird and traumatizing. Thank you, Lara. I may just write that letter.
I got close to a woman right after my shocking and painful break-up in 2019. She had been both divorced & widowed, so knew loss. We were the same age, worked in similar fields, etc. She stepped right up, inviting me to meals, drinks, movies. We walked most mornings before work and kept in touch most days(though not the daily texting/memes that you describe).
During the pandemic, we remained close, walking in the mornings, meeting outside (she got a fire pit...it was Western Mass and cold out),sharing some meals, etc. Shared a lot of feelings.
But as the pandemic went on, my grief at my lost relationship (yes, to a liar/cheater...)reemerged. I was living in a charming cottage, basically in the woods. Suddenly, though surrounded by beauty and still busy with work, the grief reared up after being mostly "controlled" for over a year.
During our morning walks, my friend would sometimes ask me "what do you think he's doing now?" etc. I had no idea and going down those avenues was not helpful.
When we talked about the future I know I could be downbeat (because I was depressed & on anti-depressants by this time), saying "It's hard to plan for a future I don't look forward to", etc.
One morning, when we were on our daily text about walking or not that day, she texted me that she couldn't see me any more. I was "too sad". It upset her and she needed to stay away from me. She appreciated our friendship and wished me well. That was it. She broke up with me via text.
I ran into her once at a fundraiser at my job. We said hello, I asked about her family, she said the event was nice. That was it.
I have never seen or heard from her again.
I sometimes think I should reach out. Tell her I've moved to another state, I am ok (more or less), and that I was/am grateful for our friendship during my post-breakup, pre-Covid time. But then, again...should I? Hard to know...
Oh Camilla, I'm so sorry that happened. And at a time when you were so vulnerable. It really hurts.
There was scene of Will & Grace has stuck with me. Karen is having a moment with her maid, Rosario and things get a little too real. To vulnerable and Karen says, "Feeling something! Gotta go!"
So many people do that. Your friend did that. It sucks.
And, it sucks, but the truth is if she wanted to know how you are and where you were living, she would be reaching out. Whatever mix of circumstances and choices and experiences and lack of access to empathy that made her "gotta go!" when things were less than sunny are protecting her from feelings she can't deal with.
It would be sad if it wasn't so hurtful.
I saw a meme that read something like, people fall in love with your blooms. The bright, pretty spring of you. When fall inevitably comes, and your petals fall and roots are revealed, not everyone can handle it.
That's no reflection on your roots.
And, it's worth taking the opportunity to reflect on yourself during that time. Were you a bummer? Was it hard to be around you? Did you cross the boundary from vulnerable to needy? Knowing what I do abut you, probably not. But, we are not always our best selves and it's worth interrogating and owning our contributions to the ending of a relationship.
I can't thank you enough for reading and commenting, and sharing your story. <3
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's so unbelievable when someone we trust does this to us...and it erodes trust moving forward. I do allow myself to still be friends with other women but I have a piece of me that I don't give away.
Thank you so much for reading. I'm so sorry it connects with you because of a similar experience. It really does crack your foundation, at least for a time. Sometimes, a long time. The crack will heal, and the scar will always be there.
I lost a good friend in a similar fashion but with a tiny bit more closure. Closure in angry, nasty texts and emails and then full on ghosting when I needed him the mosting. Was evacuated from a fire threat during COVID and he was one of few peeps I knew with room for us during a really difficult time. Thought for sure he'd let his anger slide and host us but nope! Had to rent a place in San Rafael for $$$$ and rely on another friend's generosity. I get a Christmas card from him every year and see him around Gville. These interactions are always strange and upsetting.
Whew... There's a whole series of books that could be written out of the paragraphs you've penned. When I had a similar finish to a friendship with someone I thought was and would remain my best friend until death the one thing it taught me was that I would never, ever do to someone else what had just been done to me. That's the only part of it that made me a better person.
Thank you so much for reading and your kind words. And yes, I will never, ever do that to anyone. I'm struggling now with whether and how to tell a friend she did something that bothered me. I don't want to make things weird, and I have to trust that she *wants* to know better and do better. I know I do.
I’m so sorry you lost a good friend. You had a truly sisterly relationship. I had a friend who broke my heart too. There was no email or texting back then. Just phone machines. I left her many messages. I had newborn twins and she chose to not have kids. That was the only reason I could think of as to why she dropped me. This was in the ‘90s.
A few years ago I goggled her and found out she died of a brain tumor. At that same moment, as I was sobbing, I felt her spirit and I knew a guide was with her. I was able to tell her how she broke my heart. (Sorry if you don’t believe in the after life but this was quite real.)
The only thing we can do is move on. I often remind myself the past doesn’t serve me.
I'm so sorry you had that confusing and sudden breakup, and at a time when you had two damn babies at the same time* and needed all of the support you could get.
I'm so glad you had that closure after her death and that it brought you comfort.
Wishing you joy and more in '24!
*from a comedy routine - don't remember who it was - but my friend who is the aunt of newborn twins says it all the time .
This one touched my heart, especially after our conversation. I am left wondering as well. I am also five thousand percent sure that middle aged mean girls exist in a perennial cafeteria of life deciding who can and can’t sit at their table. What can they get from having you around? Don’t dare ask for them to give back. I’m happy sitting in the corner drawing funny pictures of them. In some ways, friend break ups are harder than romantic break ups.
Yes, you are so right. We really never do fully leave the cafeteria. I love the image of you drawing funny pictures of them! The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. <3
Lara...your post so reminded me of my confusion over a similar situation. Yours helped with something you said. You wrote: "But, she’s there and on some level always will be. I am the sum of everyone I have met and everything that has happened. I hope with time and telling, the impact will be less." I have long felt like I'm neurotic for still wondering and thinking about her. You made me feel less alone and more normal. These significant relationships are important...and when someone just dumps you without an explanation it's just plain weird and traumatizing. Thank you, Lara. I may just write that letter.
Thank you Linda, I'm so glad sharing my experience was helpful to you. That's half of why I'm here on the 'stack. The other half is for me <3
I got close to a woman right after my shocking and painful break-up in 2019. She had been both divorced & widowed, so knew loss. We were the same age, worked in similar fields, etc. She stepped right up, inviting me to meals, drinks, movies. We walked most mornings before work and kept in touch most days(though not the daily texting/memes that you describe).
During the pandemic, we remained close, walking in the mornings, meeting outside (she got a fire pit...it was Western Mass and cold out),sharing some meals, etc. Shared a lot of feelings.
But as the pandemic went on, my grief at my lost relationship (yes, to a liar/cheater...)reemerged. I was living in a charming cottage, basically in the woods. Suddenly, though surrounded by beauty and still busy with work, the grief reared up after being mostly "controlled" for over a year.
During our morning walks, my friend would sometimes ask me "what do you think he's doing now?" etc. I had no idea and going down those avenues was not helpful.
When we talked about the future I know I could be downbeat (because I was depressed & on anti-depressants by this time), saying "It's hard to plan for a future I don't look forward to", etc.
One morning, when we were on our daily text about walking or not that day, she texted me that she couldn't see me any more. I was "too sad". It upset her and she needed to stay away from me. She appreciated our friendship and wished me well. That was it. She broke up with me via text.
I ran into her once at a fundraiser at my job. We said hello, I asked about her family, she said the event was nice. That was it.
I have never seen or heard from her again.
I sometimes think I should reach out. Tell her I've moved to another state, I am ok (more or less), and that I was/am grateful for our friendship during my post-breakup, pre-Covid time. But then, again...should I? Hard to know...
Oh Camilla, I'm so sorry that happened. And at a time when you were so vulnerable. It really hurts.
There was scene of Will & Grace has stuck with me. Karen is having a moment with her maid, Rosario and things get a little too real. To vulnerable and Karen says, "Feeling something! Gotta go!"
So many people do that. Your friend did that. It sucks.
And, it sucks, but the truth is if she wanted to know how you are and where you were living, she would be reaching out. Whatever mix of circumstances and choices and experiences and lack of access to empathy that made her "gotta go!" when things were less than sunny are protecting her from feelings she can't deal with.
It would be sad if it wasn't so hurtful.
I saw a meme that read something like, people fall in love with your blooms. The bright, pretty spring of you. When fall inevitably comes, and your petals fall and roots are revealed, not everyone can handle it.
That's no reflection on your roots.
And, it's worth taking the opportunity to reflect on yourself during that time. Were you a bummer? Was it hard to be around you? Did you cross the boundary from vulnerable to needy? Knowing what I do abut you, probably not. But, we are not always our best selves and it's worth interrogating and owning our contributions to the ending of a relationship.
I can't thank you enough for reading and commenting, and sharing your story. <3
I really value your insights, Lara. I am loving your Substack!😘
Thank you so much my friend <3
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's so unbelievable when someone we trust does this to us...and it erodes trust moving forward. I do allow myself to still be friends with other women but I have a piece of me that I don't give away.
Thank you so much for reading. I'm so sorry it connects with you because of a similar experience. It really does crack your foundation, at least for a time. Sometimes, a long time. The crack will heal, and the scar will always be there.
Yes. ☺️
I lost a good friend in a similar fashion but with a tiny bit more closure. Closure in angry, nasty texts and emails and then full on ghosting when I needed him the mosting. Was evacuated from a fire threat during COVID and he was one of few peeps I knew with room for us during a really difficult time. Thought for sure he'd let his anger slide and host us but nope! Had to rent a place in San Rafael for $$$$ and rely on another friend's generosity. I get a Christmas card from him every year and see him around Gville. These interactions are always strange and upsetting.
Ugh, I am so sorry you went through that. <3
Such a sad mystery.
So grateful for so many wonderful friend - like you! - to fill my life, but yeah, having that one person beside me is a hard role/hole to fill. <3
Whew... There's a whole series of books that could be written out of the paragraphs you've penned. When I had a similar finish to a friendship with someone I thought was and would remain my best friend until death the one thing it taught me was that I would never, ever do to someone else what had just been done to me. That's the only part of it that made me a better person.
Thank you so much for reading and your kind words. And yes, I will never, ever do that to anyone. I'm struggling now with whether and how to tell a friend she did something that bothered me. I don't want to make things weird, and I have to trust that she *wants* to know better and do better. I know I do.
I’m so sorry you lost a good friend. You had a truly sisterly relationship. I had a friend who broke my heart too. There was no email or texting back then. Just phone machines. I left her many messages. I had newborn twins and she chose to not have kids. That was the only reason I could think of as to why she dropped me. This was in the ‘90s.
A few years ago I goggled her and found out she died of a brain tumor. At that same moment, as I was sobbing, I felt her spirit and I knew a guide was with her. I was able to tell her how she broke my heart. (Sorry if you don’t believe in the after life but this was quite real.)
The only thing we can do is move on. I often remind myself the past doesn’t serve me.
Wishing you a wonderful new year.
I'm so sorry you had that confusing and sudden breakup, and at a time when you had two damn babies at the same time* and needed all of the support you could get.
I'm so glad you had that closure after her death and that it brought you comfort.
Wishing you joy and more in '24!
*from a comedy routine - don't remember who it was - but my friend who is the aunt of newborn twins says it all the time .