It's Kind of a Long Story... about DRAMA (Part I)

I'm kinda into it.

Hey Drama Goblins,

“You seem happy. I’ve see it on your face and heard it in your voice the last few times I’ve seen you.” - a friend, to me, after first asking if she could say something personal.

Is it that obvious?

I thanked her and laughed, “Thank you! Except for the need to make more money, my life is pretty darn good.”

Is it perfect? Hell no!

I’m still about 40lbs over where I am most comfortable, but the scale is moving in the right direction (down 15lbs since the beginning of the year) and a few weeks ago I bought a few new-to-me clothes that fit me as I am now.

The best part? I didn’t spiral. Some things fit and some didn’t. The things that fit are a bigger size and I was totally OK with it. I came home happy with my new clothes. Nothing more or less.

That is remarkable, and not how I would have felt at this time last year.

I’m not making full-time money yet, but I signed a new client this week and had a couple of other good work-related meetings and small wins. The career Skittle Bowl is getting fuller.

Charm School isn’t taking off for private parties the way I’d hoped, but I was contacted by a local recreation center and will be teaching six classes there this Fall.

My social life is busy like I like it. Storytelling shows. Concerts. A Bee Gees cover band dance party. An impromptu potluck for 8. I’ve made a few new friends in the last couple of months and went on a first date with a guy who passed The Netflix Test.

I just took a deep breath after writing all of that down. I want to burn this feeling and this moment into my mind. I know it won’t always feel like this. That’s not how life works.

But for now, it does. And I am both proud and grateful.

I’m so glad you’re here,

Lara

Work Hard, Play Hard

Short Story

A couple of weeks ago an online acquaintance attempted to shame me for creating a Facebook group for women to connect and commiserate about the dregs of the dating apps. It didn’t work.

Long Story

I’ve been reading the Substack What's Shove Got To Do With It? faithfully since it was started several months ago by an online acquaintance. The author’s life is very different from mine, she’s a good writer, and I get a kick out of her romantic antics.

I don’t think I’d ever commented on a post. I may have liked some of them. I try to do that for fellow ‘Stackers who I especially like and/or know because I know how validating it is (hint, hint)

So imagine my shock when I read:

Now, here comes the part when some of you might get pissy with me, but maybe some of you need a fucking wake-up call.

This lady pal also alerted me to a private Facebook group that was created by some women we know via social media, called something like “Men suck and let’s make fun of their dating profiles in a safe space.”

How pathetic and Mean Girl can you get?

I don’t have to join that group to know what they’re talking about – oh, how this guy can’t take a proper photo, or this guy can’t spell, or this guy seems like he just wants a girlfriend who can be his mommy, and on and on and on.  

Seriously? Um, want me to wager a guess as to why the majority of the women in that group are single? Because WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO IS SO INSECURE, SO SUPERFICIAL, AND SO MEAN as to publicly poke fun at another human’s attempt to find love and companionship?

Dating online is, by default, taking a big breath and putting yourself out there. Some people do it better than others. But you, Miss America, you think that because some dude takes a selfie that looks like this – here, I’ll take one for you, hold on!

You think that because some clueless guy takes a shitty photo (looking down at the camera, giving himself a double chin as well as treating you to shot of his nostrils), that he’s somehow inferior to you in that he deserves your contempt or your laughter, not your love?

Um… busted I guess?

Being me, of course I commented:

It's me! I'm the pathetic shrew who created that group and I absolutely stand by it! No shame in my game. 😃

I know why I'm single and am absolutely OK with it. My life is full of fun, love, laughter, friendship.

I literally have people telling me every day how much they like, love and admire me.

I invite everyone interested to check out the group: Drama Free: Making Fun of Men on Dating Apps

I'm very intentional about what I make fun of. Never looks, weight, job, class, etc. Those are cheap jokes. I'm better than that.

I make fun of low-effort men. Who expect women to swoon at their bathroom mirror selfies with a toilet gaping open. At men who claim to be "Drama Free" or "not into drama" when what they really mean is "don't have any normal emotions or needs."

It's a small, fun, way to fight the patriarchy with humor and in community with like-minded women.

If a man wants to start a group to do similar, have at it, fella! I'm not at all ashamed of my dating profile.

That invitation of course includes you. The group may not be your vibe, but you're welcome to check it out yourself and see what I'm up too. There are some posts by other members that cross the line for me from funny to mean, or just aren't that funny, but it's a space for venting so I allow it.

She replied:

God Bless America, Lara. Enjoy

The name Drama-Free: Making Fun of Men on Dating Apps comes from the oft-cited claim of men on dating apps to be “drama-Free” or “not into drama.” Even as a 47-year-old first-time dater, I noticed that recurring phrase right away and easily clocked it as a red flag for several reasons:

• It’s almost adorable that a man would reach middle age and think his life has no drama, especially a man with ex-wives and children.

• What, do these guys think women are going to think, “Too bad. I’m super into drama. I guess I’m not the gal for him.”

• I’ll bet a bajillionty dollars that some woman called him out on his BS he dismissed her as “dramatic.”

This is the group’s About section:

Sharing screenshots of the low-effort, the meh and the red flag wavers.

We're not here to make fun of men for their looks, ages, bodies, jobs, or characteristics and qualities that other women might be into. It's not about cheap shots or punching down.

We're expressing and commiserating our weary frustration with the way men on apps present themselves that reflects and reveals their lazineness, poor choices, delusions and entitlement, and the patriarchy that enables and encourages them.

We also don’t make fun of fish picks, photos with scratched-out women, car selfies, obvious scammers, or other cliches. That’s been done to death and isn’t fun or funny.

This isn’t the first time I’ve caused offense with Drama-Free. I posted about it on my main Facebook page soon after I started to invite my friends to join. I was accused of everything from bullying to hypocrisy, and asked “How would I feel if men did that to you?”

Bullying? No. Bullying is “aggressive behavior characterized by hostile intent, imbalance of power and repetition over a period of time.”

Is my intent hostile? No. Snarky? Yes, but not hostile. My intent is to call out men’s poor choices that are informed and upheld by patriarchy in a small community of like-minded women and give them the comfort and validation that they are not alone in being repelled and repulsed by the scummy pond that is the middle-aged dating pool.

Is there an imbalance of power? No. I have no power over these guys whatsoever. Making fun of them to my friends in a private group has no impact on their lives.

Am I repeating my comments over a period of time? No. I don’t focus on one guy and slag him over and over.

And turned tables? Feh. I’ll bet you two bajillionty dollars that if men were to have a similar group, the posts would all be about women’s appearance, weight, and age.

And no, I don’t black out their names. Dating apps are free and public. There is no expectation of privacy.

I get and respect that this kind of snark isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. It makes some people uncomfortable. And, I can’t help but think that some of that might be informed by the messages women get to be soft, accommodating, pleasant, and positive. Especially to men. Often to our detriment.

I lost a few Facebook friends. Some people thought less of me. So be it. It was a chance I was willing to take to make the points I wanted to make and to create the space I wanted to create.

So dear readers, what do you think? Am I a superficial Mean Girl, or a confident woman with a high bar? Here are a few of my posts from Drama Free to help you decide:

If you know someone who would get something out of that story, please share!

Lara Sez…

Yikes! I ran out of time to do recs this week. And to record! Those features you love will be back next week!

But, I have to include this one…

Listen!

80’s Deep Cut of the Week! It speaks for itself ;)

Before I let you go…

The poll has spoken! Y’all wanted an opportunity to AMA and here it is!

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